Christmas is just around the corner, as you will no doubt be able to discern from the endless adverts on the telly and the endless nagging of your children. As ever, people have been asking us what we want for our presents, and now we no longer indulge in Transformers or My Little Pony, it’s a bit of a tough question to answer. Surely half the joy is getting that gift you never expected to receive, like a jumper or cheap jewellery… What a surprise.
We therefore got thinking about gifts that we’d really like that could help us out with our festival adventures and thus we came up with a list of fantasy inventions, which we’d actually really like to receive as Xmas pressies. Most of them came to us during fevered dreams of Boomtown, Glastonbury and SGP, so without further ado, here they are…
All In One disposable suit
You put it on at the start of the festival. You don’t take it off till the end of the festival. Super absorbent on the inside and ultra-waterproof on the outside, it’s like a special shell that’ll not only keep you warm and dry, but allow you to keep your place at the front of the crowd after you’ve drunk eight pints of pear cider. Available in three different finishes, including tiger-style, vintage argyle and a special Super-Dry edition. One wear only then dispose of in fire when finished.
Stilt Shoes
You’re at the back of the crowd and some drunk kids are waving a flag the size of Adele’s knickers in front of you. Normally you wouldn’t give a fuck, but this is Roger and the Treehouses’ seminal performance before Roger goes solo, and the last chance you’ll ever get to see this hugely important band live. Not to worry, just pull the lever on your special stilt shoes and you’ll rise above the bullshit.
Festival Memory Stick
Tired of spending all that money on a festival, then getting so boxed you can’t remember anything other than the painful train journey home? Well our festival memory stick could be the thing for you. Simply plug the Festival Memory Stick into your ear, record, and then you can watch back over all the occurrences of the event and find out just how outrageous you truly are.
Teleporter To Get You Home
Everyone loves going to a festival, sneaking beans and cracking cans on the journey down there, but no one likes coming home. From having to look into the burnt out faces of people in the bus queues waiting to get away from the festival, to having to make small talk with the taxi driver as you embark on the last homeward leg of your journey it’s a real scraping of the soul. Why not just beam yourself up via our special matter transmitting satellite and teleport yourself straight home.
Anti-Grav Luggage Trolley
Ever been to a festival where the camp-site is a million miles away from the car park? Well of course it isn’t really, it just feels like it when you’ve got to haul a tent, a bag, a bunch of food and cooking equipment down a hill on your way to the festival and you’ve then got to haul it all the way back on Monday morning dragging a hangover behind you. Imagine what it would be like it you had an Anti-Grav Luggage Trolley that floated above the mud and broken psyches allowing you to seamless and painlessly transport all your important festival accoutrements.
72 Hour No Comedown Herbal High
We say herbal high, but we’re not really talking about some welsh cabbage in an old Golden Virginia packet. We’re of course talking about mad untested drugs that hail from somewhere in deepest Africa and have been ordered by over-zealous 19 year-old, first-year chemistry students. We’re hoping that by some fluke of nature they find an amazing drug that gives you the confidence of coke, the happiness of ecstasy, the freedom of alcohol and the chilled-out-ness of weed all in one handy hit that lasts for three days and has no comedown.
Ear Chewer Detector
This one’s actually an app for your mobile phone. You know there’s those times when you just make a throw-away comment to someone you’re standing next to and then you have to spend the next thirty minutes trying to politely leave the conversation (we are English after all)? Well this app will use special laser technology to test exactly how off their tits said person is, and if the drugs in their bloodstream are over a certain level, the app will make the phone ring giving you a great and convenient way to simply leave.
Self-Rolling Rizlas
We’ve all been there. It’s dark, wet, moist and sweatily humid, and that’s just the inside of your tent, and all you really want is a smoke after a hard day going at it on some muddy field. You try to make some kind of roll up but you can’t even see which side is sticky. Now with the new self rolling Rizlas you can just lean back and relax whilst the paper does the hard work for you and makes itself. Available in normal sized and king sized (with automatic roaching facility).
4th Dimensional Drinks Containers
Let’s be honest, we’ve all had a go at smuggling stuff through security, whether it be fine Dutch cheese (think Edam) or a small multi-pack of coke, these smaller items are not so difficult to get past the men in jackets, when you’re getting into the festival or the arena. Containers full of alcohol on the other hand tend to stick out a bit when you stick them down your pants or in your bra. We propose a special kind of canister that uses fourth dimensional spatial mechanics to collapse your cans into tiny flat disks that can then be re-assembled, helping you avoid the extortionate drink prices.
Floral Scented Nose Plugs
This one’s for the more delicate festival goer who doesn’t like turning their nose up at the amazing array of different smells on offer at some of Britain’s greatest music events, such as the fragrant hum of the portaloos or the smell in the hot bar tent as a hundred sweat hipsters rub shoulders, trying to mask their unfortunate BO with too much lynx. All you’ve got to do is pop in a couple of our special Flowers of the Forest nose plugs and you’re in aroma heaven.
Inflatable Condom
We’ve saved our favourite till last. It’s happened to every bloke at least once. You’ve had so many white drugs and drinks that your heart is having problems pumping your blood to your brain, let alone getting it all the way down to your John Thomas. Simply save your blushes (and hers) with the amazing inflatable condom. Fits onto the most flaccid of members and automatically inflates to a rigid ten inch length. Instant super-stud, at least on paper anyway.
There we have it. We hope you’ve enjoyed our foray into the world of Christmas gifts we’d actually like to receive instead of the perfumed products and endless stream of waist expanding chocolate. If there’s anything you think we’ve missed off this list of fantastic technology, then do let us know in the comments section below.
